Once upon a time, we'd get the odd call on our home phone. My method of dealing with them when they'd call for my beloved (usually butchering pronunciation of our last name, a tip off) was to burst into noisy tears and demand they tell me where the son of a bitch got himself off to leaving me alone with all these kids and no car and who the hell did he think he was anyway. The response from the other end of the line usually ranged from apologetic to sympathetic to extremely uncomfortable stammering but the end result was the same: I'd never hear from them again. Bonus that I'd get to hone my acting skills at the same time.
I got a good one the other day, I'm sure you've heard of it, the "Windows Tech Support" call. My call came in the form of Todd (I'm betting not his real name) who magically detected a serious problem with my computer and needed remote access to fix it. It being a bit of a slow day and this kind of shit pissing me off to no end, I decided to have a little fun with ToddNotTodd.
Our journey together begins when he tells me to get in front of my computer so he can talk me through the next steps, I happily comply (honing my acting skills again, YAY!). I immediately interrupt ToddNotTodd to tell him I turned it off because that's what they say to do on TV shows if your computer is broken and that ALWAYS fixes everything. ToddNotTodd tells me I didn't need to do that but okay. So we wait together while my imaginary computer reboots, I whistle tunelessly and he sighs a few times. My imaginary computer rebooted, ToddNotTodd starts his instruction again, telling me to double click on "My Computer" on the start menu. I say okee dokee and tell him that I've opened the start menu and clicked restart because I know that's different than turning it off and on again. ToddNotTodd says "No!", and rather sharply, I must say. I apologize profusely and tell him that it's showing the Windows picture and that's a good thing, right? ToddNotTodd says that's fine, he seems a bit bothered at this point but is determined to help me. I tell him about my five cats while we wait. ToddNotTodd seems less than enthusiastic to hear about about Boots, Sassy, Fluffy, Miss Priss and Tim.
My computer freshly rebooted, we are ready to proceed. ToddNotTodd, a new spring in his step, gets back to the business at hand, getting me to allow him into my financials. We move through the process slowly and on step two, I interrupt to tell him to wait a minute, Miss Priss has pulled the mouse cord loose and it doesn't work. I tell ToddNotTodd not to worry, I can fix it by turning my computer off and on again. I receive an anguished "DON'T DO THAT!" from the other end of the phone. I tell ToddNotTodd it's okay, the computer will be ready in a couple on minutes. ToddNotTodd thinks I'm low hanging fruit, too dumb to function, so he hangs in there for another restart. I tell him how I tried to make a standing rib roast last night and after it came out of the oven, two of the cats and the dog knocked it onto the floor and we ended up having Taco John's instead and I don't usually eat that kind of food because of my digestion. ToddNotTodd is disinterested and is muttering continuously, I think it might be some kind of calming mantra.
Fourth restart finished, ToddNotTodd decides to sally forth, he has a mission to complete and failure is clearly not an option. We start over, as I've forgotten by now what it was he wants me to do and we get three steps in when I tell him my computer just made a beep sound and I know that can't be good so what should we do? At this point, ToddNotTodd loses his head completely and shouts "DON'T, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TURN IT OFF!" I respond with "Turn it off? Whatever you say, Todd!"
|Who he thought he was dealing with.|
|Who he WAS dealing with.|
Perhaps ToddNotTodd made a tearful plea to his God for a moment or two because there is a long pause before he speaks again. In very careful and measured tones, he starts again, enunciating every instruction as clearly as he possibly can while I make him repeat every single direction three times before acting on it. I make him start over twice. I believe ToddNottTodd has begun drinking from a hideout flask at this point because all the life has gone out of his demeanor, he seems sad and a little defeated. I ask him if he's accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. ToddNotTodd does not respond. I tell him I accidentally turned to computer off again and ToddNotTodd becomes more than a little put out. By now, we've been at it for almost 30 minutes and I have an appointment in less than an hour. While ToddNotTodd weeps and bangs his head on his desk, I reveal my true nature and tell him that there was no way in hell this was going to end with a success on his part. I tell him I hope I gave him a migraine and he should find a more honest way to make a living. ToddNotTodd called me a foul name and hung up on me. I don't think we're friends anymore.