Thursday, May 15, 2008

Not My Idea

Okay, we all have suspected for years that there are things out there designed and marketed exclusively for woman that no woman could POSSIBLY have come up with, simply because they're women. The latest item on the list is something quite disturbing in a certain feminine product that all us girls employ once a month. I don't know what brand you all use, but mine has ALWAYS served me well. Recently on a trip to the ladies, with the song "I Enjoy Being A Girl" running repeatedly through my head as it tends to at a certain time for me, I made to use one of these fine feminine products and imagine my surprise when I discovered a printed message inside. "Have A Happy Period"...swear to God. My mouth fell open, and had I NOT been cranky, bloated and all the rest, I think I would have laughed. I did not, all I could think was "Are you kidding me?!" No woman I have ever met or ever expect to meet would pass that particular sentiment on to another woman. We'd say something like "Don't kill anyone." "Would you like more chocolate/booze/cigarettes/ammunition?" or "I know, he's a complete jerk." Honestly, these are the only things we women want to hear when we're shedding parts of ourselves. Have a happy period, come on over here and I'll show you what to do with your perky little message.
Another in the disturbing trend, my little square pieces of girl-tranquilizer I employ once a month (read CHOCOLATE) has begun to enclose little life lessons inside the foil wrapper. "Follow Your Bliss"...this is my bliss, people, and I can't really chew and swallow myself. "Listen To Your Heart"...okay...nope, that was gas. "Hug Someone Today"...don't tell me what to do.

A few other things I suspect were designed exclusively for women but probably not BY women:

Push-up bras: because we ALL want our cleavage to interfere with swallowing.
Stiletto heels: because getting anywhere quickly is SUCH a bother.
Mini Skirts: we really never wanted to sit comfortably, or bend over...ever

This isn't just a feminist rant or a hormone induced rage, there are lots of things I doubt were designed or produced by people that will ever use their own products:

Cereal bags: as hard as we try, can you EVER get the damn thing open without a long tear down the side or causing a Rice Krispie shower to engulf you?

E-Z pour spouts: on rice boxes and instant mashed potatoes...they just cause everything to bottleneck on the box, requiring surgery with whatever knife is handy.

Tiny screws on battery compartments: does ANYONE own a screwdriver that small? The first time you use the tip of a knife or the metal file on a nail clipper, it's toast.

The latest Burger King ad campaign: a dude in a scary plastic mask standing next to your bed when you wake? Sign me up for THAT. Or two annoying punks in burger suits harassing hapless drive through order takers...I'm not sure which a dislike more.

CD Overwrap: how many times have you managed to crack or scratch the shiny new jewel case while wrestling with the strongest film of plastic known to man?

I think, before any new products goes to market, before any "new and improved" anything takes the place of the tried and true, the guy/gal that came up with the bright idea needs to spend about six months using their own idea. I bet we'd see a lot more real improvements and not just something so they can print in on the box.

Just a thought.

Have a happy...whatever.