Saturday, May 31, 2008

Pettiness Becomes Her

Got together with some girlfriends recently and realized that women, in a group, can be truly diabolical. The topics discussed ranged all over the board (and aren't those the best kind of discussions?) from the state of the world (pretty dismal), various assorted children (adored, but annoying from time to time), the ideal mate (we need some MAJOR advances in genetic engineering!) to things that make us completely insane (surprise, mostly male induced!).
Once the topic turned to our respective mates, both current and former, we revealed to each other some of the horrid things we've done in fits of pique. One of us carefully sewed the legs of her (now ex) huband's underwear closed after he'd ranted and gotten a bit nasty about never having any clean (please note, he was not disabled or physically unable to do a load of laundry). The topic never came up again. Another of us, in the midst of a nasty breakup, left a golf ball wedged out of sight in the toilet of her (ex) boyfriend's bathroom. He still doesn't speak to her. The most evil of us all was also married to the biggest weiner of them all in that when he decided to leave her for a newer model, called and told her to pack his things and to be very careful of his suits. She was EXCEPTIONALLY careful when she very delicately snipped seams crucial to holding the crotch area of all his pants together. This woman was skilled enough that no damage showed but the structural integrity of the garment was compromised and would actually take a little time to separate completely. That and the cat doody sewn into the lining of his beloved leather jacket got the message across pretty clearly. She reigns as queen of all. I've never gotten quite that evil, but I've had my moments. I've only had to get truly nasty once or twice and my beloved got the message pretty clearly. My sister claims (and this is so gross) that one can fart into a pillow, carefully pull it back into shape and when the intended target's head hits the pillow, a cloud of toxic, vile-smelling gas will encompass the head of your victim. I have never tested this theory and hope I never reach that point. We woman really can be just as evil as we accuse men of being, we're simply more subtle less likely to incur and collateral damage. This is another reason supporting my contention that women should be running the world. I don't think we'd carpet bomb an entire city to take out one guy, we'd simply track him down and systematically destroy his car, CD collection and ensure, through the female network, that he'd never get laid again. No civilians would be harmed in the process, no soldiers put unnecessairly at risk and nothing for our government to clean up.
We also discussed "The List", we all have one in one form or another. This is The List of people that we are allowed to have our way with, guilt and consequence free, if the opportunity presents itself. My beloved and I have decided that the allowable conditions are when a person on The List shows up at our door naked during a snowstorm. The only other condition is that The List cannot include friends or family members and the people on The List must be completely out of our normal type universe. He has never revealed the candidates on his List but mine includes Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters lead singer, musicians, sigh), Orlando Bloom (for obvious reasons), John Cusack (loved him since highschool) and Jon Stewart (smart and funny gets me every time). The List is fluid and changes constantly with people falling in and out of favor or moving up and down on the desirability scale.