Thursday, August 6, 2009

Is It Hot In Here?

Okay, so I think I've been handling this whole "woman of a certain age" thing with a certain amount of grace. Only the minimum of whining and very few artificial means of maintaining my rapidly receding youth. Gray hair? Whatever. Laugh lines? Badges of honor. Aches and pains? Fine. I simply MUST draw the line at this whole business of hot flashes. I think if I was naked in a blizzard, I'd likely welcome a nice lengthy hot flash. In August, while I'm at work is completely unacceptable and I think someone in charge should address this immediately. I wasn't doing anything particularly strenuous, I wasn't lifting anything heavy and I wasn't spending large dollops of time with my head stuck under the warming lamps. I think sweating profusely while working a cash register is just a bit beyond the pale. I've never been one of those women that sweats nicely, no 'glow' here. We're talking full on, no holds barred Baba Wawa in the steam room with Rosanne Rosanna Danna balls of sweat dripping off my eyebrows, nose and (I am NOT making this up) earlobes. I never imagined my earlobes would sweat...honestly there really is no elegance left when your ears are sweating.
My boss seemed to take a perverse amount of enjoyment in my predicament as she has thus far been the only member of the hot flash club at work up to this point. She's positively giddy at the idea of being a member of a club of more than one (I think this must make me vice president). However, the snickering was just a touch unprofessional. She did have mercy as she made sure any time something was needed from the coolers or freezer, I was sent to fetch it. Thank you for the pity! My sister seemed happy for me (I have no idea why) and excitedly informed me "Congratulations, you're a crone!" I should be happy about this? She's one of those earth mother/goddess types. That whole life cycle of a woman being 'maiden/mother/crone' thing. I'm NOT a crone, I have children in school, great hair and all my own teeth! A crone?! She's a fine one to talk, SHE'S a grandmother!
I firmly believe that the next leap in human evolution should involve some sort of on/off switch for the women on the species. This would end teen pregnancy, as the switch could not be activated until one has reached a certain age, either set by the parents or those in charge of our evolution. Once we're all done with the baby making, we can simply deactivate that particular part of our anatomies, okay, we're all set. Shut off the lights and evacuate that part of the body people, your work here is done. I'd like to know to whom I send my suggestion and patent application.
Is it hot in here or is it just me? Oh, that's right it's just me and Johnny Depp is nowhere is sight so I'm guessing this is another one. Wow, this is really fun. On the upside, maybe I'll detoxify so much that I'll stop getting zits like a 16 year old the day before yearbook pictures. "Change of life" my eye If my life is going to change, I want a new car, self cleaning house, independent wealth and a house in Cabo. THAT'S a change I'll get wholeheartedly behind, THIS is a pain in the ass.