Sunday, December 20, 2009

A-Caroling We Go

In this, the most wonderful time of the year, I find myself going to the occasional dark place. I have spent the last month listening to "All Christmas All The Time" on the only radio station that comes in at work. I realize now that I have developed some extremely stong feelings about Christmas carols. I have developed a passionate hate for "Feliz Navidad". This is nothing racist, it's simply an annoying and repetitive song. The added bonus that it's used in every Taco John's commercial from Halloween to New Year's just makes it all the more teeth grinding.
I find something kind of disturbing about the Jackson 5's redition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", considering all the things we now know about the family dynamic in the Jackson clan, it's just plain sad. That song written today would have ended with a verse about the cops arriving and taking someone away in handcuffs. There's just something about that song I never liked anyway. Think about the therapy that kid needed after witnessing that little scene.
"Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree", cute the first 800 times you hear it, but after that, it's just a bit grating.
"Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer", let's think about this one for a quick second. Poor Rudolph is excluded from the reindeer games based solely on a physical difference but is hailed and revered as a hero when someone finds a way to use him to their advantage. Today, the other reindeer would have been sent to sensitivity training. Santa should really have put the kibosh on the schoolyard bullying long before and not just when he needed Rudolph's freakish glowing proboscis to see through the gloom.
I have realized that there are only about 15 actual Christmas songs, and EVERYONE and their brother have done their own version of them. The weirdest one is a bebop (complete with a bit of scatting in the middle) version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas". This is just weird and wrong. This is a rather sad song, if you really listen to the lyrics; mournful, actually. To set it to a uptempo, jazzy beat and throw in some weirdly placed scat just made the whole thing completely surreal.
"Frosty The Snowman" would be looked at as a creeper with an unnatural fixation on little kids nowadays.
"Winter Wonderland" does not ring true for anyone that's ever lived through several Minnesota winters. Wonderland, my butt.
"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", scaaaaary. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows everything you do and you will be rewarded when the Day comes. Wait a second...all knowing, all seeing, passing judgement upon the world, rewarding the faithful...sounds like someone else we know, doesn't he?
For some reason, this radio station I am stuck listening to all day has decided the "Charlie Brown" theme music (you know the one, the piano piece) is a Christmas song. Why, I have no idea as it's used in ALL the Charlie Brown cartoons and not just the Christmas special.
Why is it no other holiday has its own soundtrack? Let's just imagine for a minute the songs that could be written about Labor Day, Flag Day and Arbor Day. We'd have stations dedicated to "All Trees, All The Time", I can't wait.