Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Could You Not Know That?!

There are certain things every single one of us MUST know about our mate/partner/lover or whoever we're going to be spending a huge chunk of our adult lives with. I have come up with the following:

3 Months Into Relationship:
-The names of at least two of their good friends.
-The name of their pet(s), or at least the species.
-Where they grew up, if not the specific neighborhood, the city and state, minimum!
-Where they work and a vague idea of what they do for a living.
-Their last name.

6 Months Into Relationship:
-The names of their parents and siblings.
-Their birthday.
-Their musical preferences (not all, but a good sampling)
-Whether or not they find farts or fart jokes funny.
-What kind of driver they are.
-If you can stand being around their friends for more than five minutes and they, yours?
-Can they cook anything other than toast and Spaghettios?
-Can you stand to watch them eat?

1 Year Into Relationship:
-The first names of most of their friends.
-The last name of their best friend and how they met.
-The majority of their food preferences (at least what they adore and detest).
-Their personal slob level and how it fits with your own.

Sometime Before Marriage or Living Together Full Time:
-The snore factor.
-All sleeping habits (bed hoggery, blanket theft, uncontrollable twitching, drooling, etc.)
-Bed made or unmade and does it matter?
-Bathroom etiquitte
-Seat position
-Toothpaste manipulation (cap left on or off, rolling, squeezing, etc).
-Wet towel treatment.
-Toilet paper replacement routine (do they or don't they?)
-Household stuff
-Do they step over something on the floor or pick it up?
-Are they a freak about certain weird things that you totally don't understand?
-Do the dishes pile up because someone else is going to do them?
-Do they have "collections" of things that are precious to them and all you see is crap?
-Does their mother still do their laundry/shopping/housework for them?
-Do they have a large household item beloved to them that you hate with a passion?
-Stuffed animal heads (I speak from experience here.)
-Disgusting chair/couch/waterbed
-Overwhelmingly large television/stereo/bar-type game table
-Every doll/teddy bear/cabbage patch kid they ever had as a child (run, boys, run!)
-Do you travel well together?
-Can you manage even a minor home improvement project together or must these things be done separately?

1 Year After Marriage/Moving In:
-Can they do laundry without shrinking all the sweaters to Barbie doll size?
-Do you still hate/like their friends?
-Do you still hate/love their pets?
-Do you still hate/love their family?
-Will the above change before one of you dies?
-What offenses merit witholding of affections.
-Whether the silent treatment is effective on the other person.
-How guilty do they have to feel before you can play them like a fiddle?

5 Years After Marriage/Moving In:
-If they like to be tickled and where.
-Everything that REALLY grosses them out/pisses them off/makes them laugh hysterically.
-All their musical preferences/movie faves and celebrity crushes.
-Whether they can change a diaper or clean up barf without throwing up.

10 Years In:
-You better know damn near everything or you really haven't been awake for ten years.

15 Years In:
-You would have killed them by now, so it must be love.

20 Years In:
-I'll let you know.