Saturday, April 10, 2010

No, You're Not

I have grown weary of misrepresentation, be it the promises of the ShamWow! (tm) or the claims of the wrinkle erasing cream guaranteed to take twenty-eight years off your earlobes. Just tell us who you are, what you do and why we should care. No puffery, no shameless bullshit, just tell me the truth.
Here are a few simple suggestions:

Radio Stations: Just because you have a copy of "Now That's What I Call The 70s!" and the Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits, you are not a classic rock station.

Consignment Stores: Three tie dyed shirts and your grandmother's collection of housecoats does not make you a vintage store.

'Antique' Shops: Just because it came out of someone's basement does not make it an antique!

Music Stores: It would be nice if you had actual music and not just posters of the bands whose music you're not selling. The other kind of music stores, a Clavinova does not really count as a piano. Don't say you sell pianos when you mean electronic equipment that can make piano sounds.

Any 'Used & Rare' Store: Books that are less than ten years old are not really rare, used frequently means broken or just plain ugly and someone other than you needs to find it worth the price you've marked.

"New And Improved" better be a damn sight better than it was before in someone other than the manufacturer's opinion. If you sold lots and lots of your product before, why on earth would you change it? Some of us appreciate "Old And Proven".

There is no such thing as a "Re-Grand Opening", 'nuff said.

New Releases should be less than six months old, Movie Gallery, I speak directly to you.

Something cannot be referred to as "completely redesigned from the ground up" if it resembles its predecessor in any way, shape or form.

Actors are not singers, models are not actors and talk show hosts are not experts on anything other than talk shows.

If you buy the majority of your clothes at WalMart, you're not wearing high fashion, so lose the attitude.

As discussed in earlier posts, if you're driving a minivan, you're no longer cool and have no street cred whatsoever, so lose the subwoofers in the Grand Caravan.

Not everyone should have their own clothing line, we're not all designers, so lose the pretentiousness.

Just because you wear your pants hanging halfway down your butt does not make your blond haired, blue eyed small town white boy ass "gangsta", pull up your pants and lose the delusion!

You're taking your first psychology class, stop analyzing me and lose the glasses, they don't have any lenses in them anyway.

Watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" does not make you skilled labor, lose the Sawzall and sit back down.

Even though you love "So You Think You Can Dance" doesn't mean you can, lose those ridiculous moves and order another beer.

Learn to spell if you're going to write anything anyone other than you is going to read, and I refer to Facebook statuses, text messages and signs you're going to wave at protests (teabaggers, you know what I'm talking about).

Whatever we think we are, we probably aren't. Maybe it's just better this way. I feel it's my duty to bring these things up once in a while.