Saturday, September 8, 2012

Just Say It, Already

I never tolerated passive aggressive crap very well.  I am much more of a "say it and get it off your chest" kind of gal.  Don't make me try to draw conclusions and interpret silences when you're mad at me, just toss it out there and we'll go.  I have never said "It's fine." when I'm pissed off.  If I'm not happy with you, you're going to know because it's not a lot of fun to be mad and not have the culprit paying for it.  If I'm really mad at you, you should be afraid, not trying to figure out if you're the one I'm mad at, how is that any fun at all?  You're gonna know, you're gonna pay and we'll either move on or I'll burn down your house.
I have been dealing with one of the most passive aggressive people on the planet for the past three years.  We both work for the same establishment, but thankfully, never during the same hours or even in the same area.  However, three years ago, I did something so unspeakably traitorous that this woman that had been my best friend for several years now goes out of her way to try and piss me off.  Good thing I am terribly zen, and mellow, and unflappable...and pretty.  A sweater I kept in an unused drawer was the the first thing that drew her fury.  Every day, I would come into the store and the sweater was removed from the drawer and put on a shelf under the counter.  The drawer was empty, still unused, but the sweater was not allowed to be there.  I would throw it back into the drawer, as I had asked those in charge if it was okay, but every day it would move.  Noted I had written to the part time employees, informing them of issues or changes or new items would disappear to be replaced by the exact same words on a note in the passive aggressor's writing.  Far from pissing me off, it led to a photo essay and a lot of eye rolling.  Mission NOT accomplished.  Unless you are REALLY skilled, this is usually the end result of not being direct.  People will either not get it, laugh at you, or simply roll their eyes and go about their business completely undisturbed by your actions.

Facebook has allowed passive aggressiveness to soar to never before imagined heights, I'm talking I can see my house from up here heights.  There are absolute passive aggressive virtuosos out there, these are masters of the art form and we, the lesser beings, should bow before them.  I have broken them into categories, specialties, if you will:

1. The Attention Seeker:
This is usually the first step in the life cycle of the passive aggressor, simple statements posted to see if anyone is paying attention, no specific target in mind.  Examples include:

"Borrrrredddddd"   "Don't ask."  "Hating my life right now."  "At least my cat loves me." or the nice and subtle: "LMS (like my status) and I'll tell you (insert something banal here)"

These pleas for attention are as transparent as glass and less useful.  The perpetrators might as well post the more honest: "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEE!"

2. The General:
The people that post broad and sweeping statements that everyone knows point to one specific person.

"People suck!"   "People should know when to shut the ** up!"  "Why do people have to be like that?"

Here's the thing, they know who they are, you know who they are so why are you tap dancing? 

3. The Detailer

These are the ones that post every detail about the situation that is causing them discomfort except for the name of the ONE person they're angry at:

"Well, I guess I know who I can trust and who I know who's going to (sleep with my boyfriend/talk behind my back/steal my best friend/burn down my house/kill my dog) and they better watch their ugly blond face when walking down Elm street where they live."

 "I'm so done with crying over you and you break my heart every day and I loved you more than anyone else."

If you're going to provide the world at large with that level of detail, you might as well go all the way and identify this evildoer so we can ALL protect ourselves!

4.  The Lyricist

Pretty self explanatory, posting song lyrics that are the only way to adequately describe the level of paaaaaaaain they're going through.  99% of the time, these are Taylor Swift songs.  I'm not even going to post examples, we all have seen far too many.

I have been occasionally guilty, but I don't even register on the scale.  I am a rank amateur when compared to the expert slicing and dicing I see around me.  I can hardly wait until these people become parents and take it to the next level.   I have taught my children this simple mantra:  If you're going to say it or do it, you better be prepared to own it.  If you can't back it up and defend what you're saying, don't say it.  If you aren't willing to say it out loud, don't post it online.  If you're not ready to confront the people making you angry or sad, do not put this passive aggressive shit on the internet.  You make yourself look petty and small.