Call It A Refresher Course.

There has been a awful lot of ill-advised behavior in the press lately, so much so that I feel the need to offer some advice. There seem to be an alarming number of misconceptions out there about what women find sexy. Let me help clear some of that confusion right up for you.

• Pictures of your package sent over the internet or cell phones bring you more thrills than us. Women aren’t nearly as preoccupied with your junk as you think we are…really. Sorry to burst the bubble, but penises aren’t pretty. Most women go by the “seen one seen them all” school of thought on that part of your anatomy. We don’t care what they look like because what‘s important is not how it looks, but what it does. Got it?

This is about the only kind of wiener picture that WON’T get you in trouble.

• We don’t have any objection to a guy in good shape, but when you obviously spend more time on your body than on ours…there’s a problem. We do appreciate a guy who stays fit but dedicating more of your energies to your rock hard abs than you do to your job doesn’t make us feel real sure about your future prospects. You can have the mightiest guns on the planet, but it’s the average guy who talks to us that keeps us interested. Like this.

• Douchebags are not our dream guys. We don’t really consider the guy who sleeps with everything that doesn’t run away as the best measure of good taste. If you’ll screw anything that moves, we don’t feel all that special, we like feeling special. Please don’t offer to buy us drinks with the sole purpose of getting one of us drunk enough to sleep with you as the goal. Frankly, what does that say about your appeal? Don’t grope, grind or proposition us five minutes after meeting us, all it does is make us want to go home and shower, without you. Go ahead and act like an ass with your buddies, but act like that to us, and you’ll have all the time in the world to go to the gym…alone.

Seriously, stop it.

Okay! Now that we have that unpleasantness behind us, here’s a few things to remember that are going to give you more than a fighting chance.

• We like smart and funny. I shit you not. If you can make us laugh and have a conversation about something other than cars, sports and the weather, you actually have a shot. Here’s a secret, your brain is going to last a lot longer than your abs, trust me. When your abs get soft, you can hide it with a well cut shirt, we notice immediately if you’re stupid.

That’s what I’M talking about.

• We love nice guys, really, I’m not kidding. This mistaken notion that you have to be a tough asshole is so wrong, so stupid and ill-advised. The idea that “nice guys finish last” may be true in Gordon Gekko’s world, but out here where the rest of us live, nice guys get a lot more nookie that the jerks do.

We really do.

• Women are thinking of the long haul, something that lasts longer than it takes for all parties involved to sober up and find their clothes in the morning. We’re not all that interested in dating forever, for the most part, we don’t find it all that much fun. We’d like to hang out and watch movies with someone who totally gets us, seriously, if you get us, you win.

Yep, there it is.

• We don’t need you to cry with us at every Nicholas Sparks movie, but we do like to see a softer side from time to time. Let us catch you being sweet, or silly, or cute…we love it!

Dear GOD! Let us catch you doing this!

This is the guy we’re looking for.

He will never, ever have to LOOK for a girlfriend again.

I know my post is incomplete, I am sure there are things I have missed. Let's call this a start, a jumping off point, if you will. I fully anticipate some hell to be given to me and one of the wonderful men in my life to offer a counter point...please do!

In The Land Of The Ridiculous

There are mornings when the best comedy on television is on the news. This week's milk through the nose moment came compliments of our head of homeland security, Janet Napolitano. Janet wants all of the country's best and brightest Wal-Mart shoppers on the lookout for terrorists in the aisles of their local discount superstore. And when one is spotted, one is to alert the specially trained, double secret ninja assassin Wal-Mart management team. Wait, WHAT? First of all, Ms. Napolitano, have you ever been to a Wal-Mart after dark? On second thought, have you ever been to a Wal-Mart at all? This is a place populated by the weird, the suspicious acting and the just plain crazy. This is where all aspects of society collide, where the normal and the abnormal rub elbows over low low discount prices and ultra cheap merchandise. We'd be better off looking for the meth makers buying large quantities of Sudafed or high school kids buying fifty bucks worth of stuff in an attempt to camouflage the box of condoms at the bottom of the pile. We're supposed to be putting our nation's safety and security in the hands of the Wal-Mart managers? That seems a bit like giving the nuclear missile codes to Barney Fife and any of the guys from "Jackass". "If you see something, say something." is the tag line for this undertaking...not quite as sexy as "just say no", but we'll take it. I'm having a hard time figuring out which of the suspicious people I'm supposed to be singling out here. I think the guy buying ammunition, bulk toilet paper and four cases of cheap beer might be a terrorist...oh wait, he's just going hunting. How about the woman with nine boxes of jello, an industrial size box of cereal and fourteen cans of hairspray? Wait, she's one of the "Jersey Shore" people. I can't decide who to turn in to the ninja assassin manager...let's report them ALL! That will make me more secure!

Speaking of security, the move to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell" died this week, despite the Pentagon itself releasing a report saying, in effect, that the soldiers in the trenches only really care if the guy or gal next to them can shoot straight, not if they ARE straight. But the gays aren't going to be protecting us anytime soon (at least as far as we know), don't you sleep better at night knowing that? We're fast being left behind by other countries, some of which may surprise you:

(CNN) --Fact-Check: Would the U.S. be alone in allowing gays to openly serve in the military?

According to the Palm Center, a University of California, Santa Barbara-based think tank that studies controversial public policy issues:

-- Twenty-five countries allowed military service by openly gay people as of June 2009.

-- They are: Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, Uruguay.

Bottom line: The United States would not be alone in allowing gays to openly serve in the military. As of 2009, there are no fewer than 25 other countries that follow an open policy.

CNN's Diana Holden and Emma Lacey-Bordeaux contributed to this fact check.

It seems to me these countries haven't imploded and it looks like they are doing okay. Let's follow Slovenia's example (wow, that's not something you hear every day!), shall we?

I watch the news daily, several times a day, and usually come away rather annoyed. The major news networks spent almost two full days on the fact that Prince William finally gave his girlfriend a ring. Are you seriously going to try and tell me that NOTHING else of relevance happened during that time? This is one of the pitfalls of the 24-hour news cycle, we must have something to talk about every minute of every day. No, we musn't. Our brains will not cease to function without a constant stream of information coming into them. I think the news channels should show a fish tank or waves rolling onto a beach unless there is really something of importance going on. I'm talking life changing, affecting us on a large scale kind of important, not what color of lipstick is hot this season. If I need to hoard water and canned goods, break into my aquarium video, otherwise, don't bother me, I'm watching the fish.

We've become addicted to information, it's like crack for us. Big news or small nuggets of information, we NEED it. CNN, MSNBC, Twitter, Facebook, and Reuters are our dealers. We've become like the serial daters we so loathed in highschool, flitting from one boy/girlfriend to the next without a breath in between, only we jump from information source to information source. Oh my gawd! We're media sluts! News tramps. Next thing you know, you're living in a cardboard box, selling pints of blood for a few minutes of wireless access from the coffee shop on the corner. You're breaking into your kids' computers for a quick hit of Twitter. You're hanging around wifi hot spots for a fix. But you tell yourself you can quit any time you want to, you don't have a problem, they don't understand! Wolf Blitzer has all the answers, he KNOWS.

Information overload? Maybe. But at least we KNOW. Time to go, I've been too long without CNN.

You're Going To Be Okay

After a year or so of upheaval, heartbreak and general suckiness, I would have thought I'd be in a sad and dark place right now. The past couple of years have included losing our house as a result of the general horribleness of the economy, moving into a house owned by a friend who sold it unexpectedly, prompting us to move twice in 18 months. I've seen the disintegration of two long time friendships and the destruction of a precious family relationship. I've had to pull my youngest son out of his school and put him in a new one because of relentless bullying, bad enough that he spent over a year in therapy. I went through a lengthy bout of depression that nearly crippled me. All this said, I'm feeling pretty good right now.

All of this trauma and heartache have taught me a few things that I'd like to share.

• The bad things are eventually balanced by good things and you're going to be okay.
  

We lost our home, twice, but have ended up in the best possible house for us through creative thinking and mutual need. I found a house in my town (right around the corner from the last one we lived in) that had been for sale for almost two years. The owner took a job in another state and was getting no nibbles due to the horrid real estate market. With a defaulted loan on our record, we are out of luck, credit wise, for a while. They agreed to rent to us, knocking our rent payments off the principal if we choose to buy. Everybody wins. How often do you get to test drive a house?

• Losing a relationship makes you appreciate those that remain, you're going to be okay.
  

Having a friend dump you or a family member cut you off is painful and heartbreaking, but I have looked closely at my surviving relationships and have truly come to savor and cherish them. I will protect and nurture them, closely guard them and make damn sure the people I love know I appreciate them. It's hard to lose someone and getting them back in your life may or may not be a good thing. However, I am also realizing that sometimes there are relationships that may be best left by the side of the road.

• If you can laugh, and laugh hard, you're going to be okay.

The inspiration for this post came on a long and tiring day, feeling rather low and wrung out by things when something small and silly made me burst out laughing. The long, hard, run out of breath until you can't stop laughing kind of laugh. I love that kind of laughter, the kind that bubbles back to the surface once you've regained your composure. If you can laugh like that, things aren't as bad as you think they are.

• If you can feel even a small sense of satisfaction, you're going to be okay.

I quit smoking in May, I've had one puff in 6 months and I take enormous satisfaction in that accomplishment. I also rewarded myself with a tattoo on my shoulder that, at first, was just a cool looking design the one-eyed tattoo guy and I came up with and now really represents this feeling to me. I can look at this and feel like I've done something right lately.

• If you can take ownership of your life, good or bad, you're going to be okay.

I have one parenting goal, if I can accomplish this, I will have done my job right. I simply want my kids to own their lives, their actions and their choices. Good or bad, own it. I had one of those moments a year or so ago when I received an angry call from my youngest son's teacher. He demanded to know if, as according to my son, I thought he was irresponsible. I had a moment of opting to make Charlie into a liar or owning the statement that, indeed, I had made. I owned it and said that yes, I did think he was irresponsible. He was completely nonplussed and hasn't spoken to me directly since, but I felt pretty damn good because I took it on and didn't hide from my actions. I have come into my own over the past couple of years and I feel strong, powerful and in control even when it has seemed like the gods were taking a huge dump over my head.

• If you break out of what has always been, you're going to be okay.

I spent a number of years allowing others to dictate who I am and how I perceive myself. I finally hit the reset button and stopped letting others decide how I saw myself. My only regret now is that I waited until my fourth decade to come into myself.

• If you can find even a moment of joy in your day, you're going to be okay.

I don't care if it comes from finding a Tootsie Roll in your pocket, the last bloom in the garden before the snow flies or a stupid video on You Tube, there is something in every single day that's going to bring you that moment. Grab it, drink it in and let it carry you for a while.

For Appearance's Sake

Not too long ago, my sister sent a link to a wonderful blog about body image and I have decided to run with that idea a little bit here. I have never been described as skinny, no one had ever suggest I eat a little more and the concept of single digit sizing is something I can only relate to shoes and ring sizes. I have long since accepted the fact that I will never be a size six and I resent the fact that the fashion industry has deemed size 10 models as "plus size". Screw you guys, we true plus size girls wipe the floor with size tens...they're sissies!

A few things to know about plus size girls:

• We have boobs that REQUIRE bra wearing, but we would like them to be a little sexy, too (and we wonder why they even make A or B cup bras).
• We don't appreciate catalogs that feature clothes for us, modeled by a size 10 girl. It's not real and doesn't show us what the clothing will look like on us.
• Just because we have hips and butts, doesn't mean we want our pants and shorts to only feature drawstring or elastic waistbands.
• Most of us shouldn't wear spaghetti strap anything, unless it's under something else.
• We like pretty nightwear and undergarments too.
• We're not so desperate that we'll sleep with you as a given thing, we have standards.
• Some of us are comfortable with who and what we are, the rest of us are working on it.
• Your beauty standards are not necessarily mine, get used to it.

Coming of age as a plus sized girl was a challenge, to be sure. I went to a private grade school that featured uniforms (jumpers with blouses or turtlenecks underneath and badly placed darts in the jumper) so flattering, especially for the girls who got boobs first. God forbid it become obvious that you were actually wearing a bra as that became the topic of much conversation and giggling. Finding yourself as one of the only curvy girls among a plethora of waif like stick figured creatures is difficult, at best. You spend a lot of time with your arms crossed over the offending chest, slouching becomes a new hobby and forget EVER running anywhere.

Some of us learn to simply accept our plus-ness, some fight it and join the skinny legions and some of us embrace it and become comfortable in our skin.

It took a while, but I've have gotten to the point that I am pretty damned comfortable the way I am. Does this mean I like to eat three boxes of cookies at one sitting? No. Does this mean I don't want to improve myself? Again, no. This means that I can look in the mirror and see what's beautiful and not dwell on the parts of me that are less than someone's idea of "perfect". I have come to realize I have dynamite hair (especially now that I have joined the straightener cult).

We girls with a little more than less tend to look a bit younger as our skin has the underpinning of flesh that keep it smooth and less wrinkly. Take a look at some of the super skinnies and check out their faces, in particular. Plus, since we weren't bikini people and did not do the sun goddess thing, we have avoided the leathery look that hits after a lifetime of tanning. We have great skin!

I have lately discovered wrap and faux wrap tops and am LOVING the rather spectacular cleavage they produce. So, may I add, does my beloved. Try THAT without a wonder bra, skinnies! When you have a great rack, V necks are your friend.

Celebrate, my plus sized, curvy, less wrinkly friends, we've got a whole lot going for us, in every way possible!

There's Danger There

With things like the Facebook phenomena going at full steam, I think we need to be careful. The line between our online and real lives has completely disappeared and there is really no difference anymore.

When we first sign up, we're inundated with friend requests and tend to accept them all. No one wants to be that guy with less than the requisite 400+ Facebook friends. What kind of antisocial loser are you anyway? After a while, we realize that having 537 Facebook friends leads to spending a lot of time reading posts that hold no interest whatsoever for you. Do we really care that the guy we rode the school bus with 25 years ago is having dog training problems? Is it crucial that we know the everyday comings and goings of the woman we chatted with for ten minutes at a mutual friends' party? Once upon a time, I would ask myself if I've had three face to face conversations with a person before clicking the "accept friend request" button. Lately, I have begun to fine tune a little bit and ask myself if I have had three conversations I have enjoyed with a person before clicking that little button. I figure, if we don't have much to talk about in person, chances are pretty good I'm not going to be terribly interested in your online updates.
Just because we have people in common does not mean we're going to have anything else in common. The simple fact that we both like someone does not make it automatic that we're going to like each other.

"De-friending" someone on Facebook may seem bloodless but it's not. Cutting someone out of your computer life is now the same as cutting someone out of your real life. It hurts just as badly, perhaps more because you don't have an argument, you don't really know when it happened, just that one day this person removes themselves from your life. To the de-friender, it's just a mouse click, to the de-friendee, it's a "I don't respect you enough to tell you to get the hell out of my life." It's still painful. Kicking people out of your life shouldn't be as easy as a mouse click, it should be hard, wrenching, tear-inducing and not done casually. Facebook has become the weapon of choice if you want to hurt someone, air dirty laundry, or just start a fight.

Before you de-friend someone, think if you'd look them in the eye and say "I am cutting you completely out of my life." before you click.

The concept of private thought has become a thing of the past. There is no such thing as an unpublished thought and we seem to forget that sometimes there are things that should stay inside your head, not out there for the world to see. Family squabbles used to be settled over a rip roaring, dish throwing, wake the neighbors shoutfest and then it was over, back to business. On Facebook, there is no such thing as a family fight because the whole world can watch and participate. Everyone has the chance to put their two cents in and something that starts out stupid and small becomes huge and uncontrollable and capable of destroying relationships. The old "with great power comes great responsibility" adage can come in to play here. Watch what you post, it's gonna bite you on the ass at some point.

Be careful out there.

The Pursuit Continues

I have not abandoned my goal of achieving perfect happiness via well documented photo albums and Rubbermaid containers, I have simply allowed myself to become a bit sidetracked from time to time. The Zen bedroom is still the dream, though the path is a bit more windey than I imagined. I have rededicated myself to organizational nirvana (mainly because I quit smoking and this keeps me distracted). Taking a deep breath and going against my base instincts, I made the Sophie's Choice of housecleaning. I have disposed of ten years' worth of National Geographic magazines. I don't know why we are loath to get rid of these magazines in particular, I have no problem dumping Good Housekeeping or Newsweek, but something about NG stops me dead in my tracks. It seems so wrong to throw away, recycle, or otherwise reject these lovely, intelligent and so responsible pieces of current events. Deep breaths and rhythmic chanting got them into the recycling bins and off to the curb. No last minute waffling, no middle of the night rescues, they went and I felt only residual guilt. I did save all the maps, though. Small steps here, people!

The other items I struggle with throwing away or otherwise purging are books, keys (see early entries for reasons on keys), Christmas and birthday cards and dishes.

Books: There is something inherently wrong about throwing away books. We do everything in our power to avoid getting rid of them. The excuses are legitimate and wide ranging:

• I'll read that one again.
• I'm saving it for the kids.
• It's a classic.
• I loved it.

It's rather like pulling off a Band Aid, you gotta just grit your teeth, pull quickly and get it over with. There is no completely painless method, so you're going to have to man up and get the "Donate" boxes and the packing tape ready. It's best to do this in the company of a less passionate reader than you. My beloved is not a reader, so he's a good one. In exchange, I accompany him when it's time to get rid of useless tools, unknown electrical bits and non functional hardware.

We have already covered the key issue, never throw them because you will find you need them after the are rusting away in a landfill somewhere.

Christmas and Birthday cards, I have no idea why I always balk at throwing them away, even several months after the commemorated event.

• The sender might stop by and see that their card is gone.
• The sender put time and effort into picking the perfect card and I am obligated to appreciate that.
• If I throw it away and the sender never sends me another one, I will have blithely tossed possibly their last written communication with me.

Last but not least, old sets of dishes. I have no earthly idea why I insist on keeping the previous set whenever I get a new set of dishes. I buy relatively inexpensive dishes because I like to switch up from time to time and not feeling like I'm wasting money. Plus, with the grace-impaired people that live in my house, cheap dishes and glassware are really the best idea. I have several partial sets of dishes packed carefully away in the basement, why I have no idea. But there they wait, someday, someone is going to want a set of dinnerware that's chipped and missing a soup bowl and two luncheon plates. When that day comes, I will be ready.

I have managed to get rid of a lot of stuff including:

• the kids' baby tub (I think we're beyond needing it now)
• 23 socks without mates (they're gone and not coming back and we have to accept it)
• VHS tapes of Rugrats (I'll buy the DVDs if they ever come out)
• 10 years worth of National Geographic (I had to go to confession afterward, and was absolved)
• 5 decks of cards missing more than one card each (and none I could blend to complete one)
• 4 board games with missing pieces (you can't really play mousetrap without the ladder or the cage part)
• 37 items of clothing that no one in the house has worn in more than a year
• a size 4T snowsuit (the youngest member of the household is now 11)

The fight continues, the Zen bedroom and organizational heaven are both possible...eventually. I will stay the course and fight the good fight and...oh look, new catalogs came in the mail today!