Excuse Me?

I need to stop leaving the house, all it does these days is annoy me. I must be getting old and grumpy...no, I'm not! I'm not even forty yet, I'm not a curmudgeon already. Went to the mall (my first mistake, I know) with my eight year old the other day and, as usual, was amazed at how far we have fallen, manners-wise. Long ago, I dubbed people's behavoir in these enclosed, eye scorchingly bright, too-loud enclaves of conspicuous consumption as "mall manners". Just check your awareness of anyone but yourself at the door and come on in! Eye contact is not encouraged, moderation of the volume of your conversation is definitely frowned upon, and anyone using the forbidden phrase will be summarily excommunicated from the collective. What, you ask, is the forbidden phrase? Oh, my dears, we dare not speak it. But I must, I cannot let this simple phrase pass into oblivion. Indeed, I consider it my duty to keep it alive. For the greater good, I will pass this knowledge on. These words, when uttered together, are as rare and little seen as the last of the spotted owls. Small words, three syllables in all...Excuse me. There! I've said it, now you, say it aloud and remember how it sounds. Try using it at home, don't go public immediately, not until you're sure how to wield this most potent of weapons. It can be used easily in the home, especially if you live with children (boy children, in my experience), due to their ability to fart or burp on command. As you gain confidence, as the words begin to come naturally, you can carefully use them outside of the safety of your own domain. Tread carefully, there are those who know not this phrase, and may fear it, may fear you. I suggest using it in context to yourself only at first, that way, you cannot be accused of harming others with this most dangerous combination of words. If YOU, not others, burp in public, say it. If YOU bump into someone, say it. Even if you simply pass between someone and the shelf of canned soup they're examining in the grocery store, say it. Trust me, no harm will come to you.

This said, I return to my story of my son and I at the mall. I don't even remember what possessed me to enter this, my most hated of places. The one guaranteed to make me crabby and occasionally, usually around a major holiday, break out in hives. But there we were, on a weekday afternoon, only the most foolhardy amongst us, venture into this realm on the weekend. I thought my plan was solid, what with the weekday attack, there would more likely to be people like me there at that time, right? They looked like me, there was nothing to indicate I had unwittingly brought my son into dangerous territory, I thought for sure we would be safe. At first, I thought we'd be okay, the mall wasn't too crowded, it looked to me like I was about the average for the age group in attendance. Until IT happened. There we were, passing by Bath and Body Works when my son was struck down, blindsided by a bustling, power walking, ninja of the white sale. She didn't look like an assassin, her weapons were cleverly camouflaged to look as harmless as possible. I spotted it for what it was, that wasn't on overlarge purse she was wielding, it was an instrument of death. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it was just a purse, we'll never know because she never even broke stride after whacking my kid on the back of the head as she hustled past us, determinedly striding toward Garden Gnomes R Us or Giant Purse Heaven. My son stopped dead in his tracks, however, and with the outrage that only an eight year old can muster, he bellowed the forbidden phrase for all to hear. "EXCUSE ME!" A hush fell over the nearby mall patrons.

Some seemed confused, was the child speaking in tongues? Others seemed amused, he must not know what he's saying, isn't he precious? But a small number, perhaps part of the rebellion like me, seemed to approve. Could it be? Are there more of us out there? Must we live our lives hidden, fearful of being exposed for what we are? We are a dying breed, the manners afflicted. We must fight on! Together we can prevail! If we utter the forbidden phrase often, if we use it wisely and carefully, one day it may be forbidden no more. On that day, we can begin to show others we are not to be feared and hated, that there are even more phrases once used that caused no harm. We can save them! You know the words, I know you do! Dare I use them all at once? If I am taken for doing so, you must continue what has begun here, promise me. I'll do it, for all of us: Please...Thank You...You're Welcome...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause your child brain damage with my abnormally large and heavy purse. Ooops, that one just kind of slipped in there, my bad.